Stop Doing Everything for Your Kids
Why Loving Parents Sometimes Hold Their Children Back
By Dwayne L. Flees
Senior Chief Instructor, KarateBuilt Grand Rapids
The names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Every parent wants to help their kids.
That’s a good thing.
Helping our kids is one of the greatest expressions of love.
But sometimes…
The things we do for our kids become the very things that keep them from growing.
Over the past twenty-plus years, I’ve noticed something.
The kids who become the most confident aren’t always the most talented.
They’re the ones who have been given opportunities to figure things out for themselves.
I’ll never forget one family.
The Story of “Sam”
Mrs. Smith brought her seven-year-old son, Sam, to KarateBuilt Grand Rapids because she wanted him to become more confident.
They arrived a few minutes late.
Before we even started, she apologized.
“He didn’t have a snack before we left, so I had to run back home and make him one.”
No big deal.
We started the Introduction and Evaluation.
Everything was going well until I started asking Sam a few questions.
Every time he hesitated…
Mom answered.
After about the third time, I smiled and said,
“Mrs. Smith, I’d really like to hear what Sam thinks. His answers help me determine the best way to help him build the confidence you’re looking for.”
She laughed.
“Oh…I’m sorry.”
A few minutes later, I asked Sam what his morning routine looked like.
This time Mom let him answer.
He explained that every morning his mom woke him up, laid out his clothes, helped him get dressed, made breakfast, packed his backpack, packed his snack, and got everything ready before school.
So I asked,
“What do you get ready yourself?”
Nothing.
Mom did it all.
When I asked her about it, she smiled and said,
“He’s only seven. I just want to help him be successful.”
I understood exactly what she meant.
Every loving parent wants to help.
But I also knew something she didn’t.
Helping or Holding Back?
They enrolled.
I remember thinking…
This program might help Mom even more than it helps Sam.
One of the first things we teach our students is responsibility.
Even our Tiny Tigers carry their own cinch bag from the front door.
Their uniform is their responsibility.
Their belt is their responsibility.
If I ask them a question…
I want to hear their answer.
Not Mom.
Not Dad.
Not a brother.
Not a sister.
The very first day of class, Mom walked in…
…carrying Sam’s cinch bag.
I smiled and said,
“Hey! Put that down. That isn’t yours.”
She laughed.
“We were in a hurry.”
She handed it to Sam.
Throughout class she quietly repeated every instruction the instructor gave, almost like Sam needed a translator.
More than once we had to ask her to let him answer questions himself.
Not because we were being difficult.
Because that’s how kids learn to think, communicate, and solve problems on their own.
The Conversation I’ll Never Forget
One day Mom asked me,
“Why do you insist that he does so much himself? He’s only seven. I just want to help him be successful.”
I told her something she probably wasn’t expecting to hear.
“Who is going to do these things for him when you’re not here?”
She got quiet.
That wasn’t really a question about carrying a gym bag.
It was a question about life.
Children don’t become capable adults because someone always rescued them.
They become capable because someone believed they were capable enough to try.
Sometimes they’ll forget their belt.
Sometimes they’ll forget their homework.
Sometimes they’ll miss a step in a form.
Sometimes they’ll fall down.
That’s okay.
Failure isn’t the enemy.
It’s one of life’s greatest teachers.
That’s why we say…
Failure Is Tuition.
In martial arts, if a student misses four moves in a form…
We don’t quit.
We simply do it again.
It’s karate.
It’s supposed to be fun.
Learning is supposed to involve mistakes.
The Ending I Wish Was Different
As time went on, Sam started saying things like…
“I can’t.”
“It’s too hard.”
“I don’t want to.”
Eventually, Mom withdrew him from class.
The reason?
It had become too hard.
Ironically…
The very reason she enrolled him was the same reason she allowed him to quit.
Instead of helping him discover he could overcome challenges…
She unintentionally reinforced his belief that he couldn’t.
I don’t know what happened to Sam.
I sincerely hope something changed in his life.
I hope someone gave him opportunities to discover what he was capable of.
But I do know one thing.
He never earned his Black Belt.
That opportunity was stolen from him.
One Final Thought
Helping our kids is part of being a parent.
Doing everything for them isn’t.
One day your child is going to face problems you can’t solve.
Disappointments you can’t prevent.
Challenges you can’t remove.
Our job isn’t to make life easy.
Our job is to prepare our kids to handle life when we’re no longer standing beside them.
Because…
Doing tough things makes kids tough. That’s exactly what they’ll need when they grow up.
This Week’s Challenge
This week, don’t look for opportunities to help your child.
Look for opportunities to let them help themselves.
Not every moment is a teaching moment.
Sometimes you’re running late.
Sometimes time is of the essence.
Pick your learning windows.
When you find one…
Step back.
Coach instead of rescue.
Encourage instead of take over.
You may discover your child is capable of much more than either of you realized.
About Mr. Flees
Dwayne L. Flees opened Flees’ Black Belt Academy in Grand Rapids, Michigan, in 2003. Today, operating as KarateBuilt Grand Rapids, he has spent more than two decades helping thousands of children and families build confidence, leadership, and life skills through Songahm Taekwondo.
Influenced by more than twenty years of hands-on teaching experience and the mentorship of Chief Master Greg Moody, 8th Degree Black Belt, Mr. Flees believes every kid is capable of far more than most adults imagine.
For Mr. Flees, martial arts has never been just about earning Black Belts. It’s about helping kids become confident, capable, and responsible adults.
More Parenting Resources
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Coming Soon:
- Why rescuing children from every challenge may be holding them back.
- Failure Is Tuition
Why mistakes are one of life’s greatest teachers. - The Dojo Is the Lab
Why kids need a safe place to practice for real life. - Helping Kids Take Responsibility
Raising children who solve problems instead of avoiding them. - Every Child Deserves to Become the Hero of Their Own Story
The philosophy behind everything we teach at KarateBuilt Grand Rapids.