What Should I Do When My Child Wants to Quit?

It happens.

Your child has been training for weeks, months, or even years. They’ve earned belts, learned new techniques, made friends, and accomplished things they couldn’t do when they started.

Then one day, seemingly out of nowhere, you hear:

“I don’t want to go to karate anymore.”

And there it is.

The moment many parents dread.

Now what?

Do you tell them they have to go? Do you let them quit? Do you try to convince them how much they love karate?

Well, if you’ve ever asked me what to do when your child wants to quit, you may have heard something along these lines:

“Too bad. Tough. Suck it up. We don’t train quitters. Will you?”

Now, before somebody gets too excited, there’s more to it than that!

But I do believe parents need to understand something important.

A child wanting to quit and a child needing to quit are two very different things.

And knowing the difference can change the direction of their entire journey.

The Moment They Want to Quit

Children don’t always want to do things that are good for them.

They don’t always want to brush their teeth, clean their rooms, do their homework, or get out of bed in the morning.

And they certainly don’t always want to practice something they’re having trouble learning.

Sometimes they want to quit because they’re frustrated.

Sometimes they’re tired.

Sometimes they’ve encountered something that doesn’t come easily.

And sometimes there’s something going on that we haven’t discovered yet.

That’s why the first thing we need to understand is why they want to quit.

Not every child who says, “I want to quit,” is facing the same problem.

And not every problem needs the same solution.

But here’s something I’ve learned after years of teaching children.

A difficult moment doesn’t necessarily mean something has gone wrong.

Sometimes it means they’ve reached a part of the journey that requires more effort than the last one.

And that’s where some of the most important learning can begin.

The Logs, Rocks, and Mud

Throughout this series, we’ve compared the Path to Black Belt to climbing a mountain.

It’s a pretty good comparison.

When you begin climbing, the trail may be relatively easy. You’re excited. The scenery is new. You’re enjoying the adventure.

Then you come around a bend and discover a log lying across the path.

Or a pile of rocks.

Or a muddy section that’s harder to walk through than you expected.

Suddenly, the climb isn’t quite as much fun.

You could turn around.

In fact, turning around might be easier.

And it probably IS!

But what happens if every time your child encounters an obstacle, you turn them around and head back down the mountain?

You may be robbing them of the very experiences that would help them develop the strength to continue.

That doesn’t mean we ignore the obstacle.

It means we help them figure out what to do about it.

Can they step over the log?

Do they need a little help getting across?

Is there another safe way around it?

The answer may be different depending on the child and the obstacle.

The goal isn’t to remove the log from the path. It’s to help the child find a way over it and continue climbing.

What Happens When They Tell Mr. Flees?

Every so often, a parent lets us know their child has been talking about quitting.

Sometimes we’ll have a conversation with the student.

Occasionally, the student works up the courage to tell me directly:

“Mr. Flees, I want to quit.”

I might ask:

“What do you think I’m going to say?”

And the student answers:

“NO!”

“That’s right. Now get out to class!”

Of course, there’s often more conversation involved than that.

We need to understand what’s happening.

Is the student simply having a difficult day? Are they frustrated with something they’re learning? Is there a problem with another student? Is something happening outside the academy that’s affecting their training?

We don’t want to overlook a genuine concern.

But we also don’t want children to believe that every difficult feeling means they should stop doing something worthwhile.

Sometimes a little encouragement and another successful class are all they need.

Other times, we need to make an adjustment.

And that brings me to a student I’ll never forget.

The Boy Who Was Afraid of Looking Stupid (His Words!)

We had a young student who wanted to quit after almost every belt testing.

Now think about that.

He had just accomplished something. He had earned his next belt rank. He should have been excited about moving forward.

Instead, he wanted to quit.

Eventually, we discovered why.

He wasn’t afraid of training.

He wasn’t afraid of working hard.

He was afraid of looking stupid.

Those were his words, not mine!

Every time he earned a new belt, he knew we would begin teaching him new material. And because he didn’t already know that material, he was afraid he would look stupid in front of the other students.

So we made a simple adjustment.

After every belt advancement, we scheduled a short, private lesson with him.

Ten to twenty minutes.

We introduced the new techniques and material he’d be learning in his upcoming classes.

That’s all.

We didn’t eliminate the challenges.

We didn’t lower our expectations.

We didn’t excuse him from learning anything.

We simply helped him become familiar with what was coming next.

And it worked.

He continued training and eventually earned his First Degree Black Belt.

Imagine what might have happened if we’d simply accepted his first request to quit.

Or if we’d insisted he toughen up without ever discovering what was actually bothering him.

Sometimes helping a child continue means encouraging them to try again.

And sometimes it means giving them the tools they need to take the next step.

Let Me Tell You About Bobbie

Then there was Bobbie.

Bobbie was on the autism spectrum, and when he first began training, he could be quite a challenge.

His parent had been paying for weekly occupational therapy and was interested in whether martial arts training might provide additional benefits at a monthly cost comparable to those weekly sessions.

Martial arts training isn’t a replacement for occupational therapy or other care recommended by a medical professional. It can, however, complement that care by giving children additional opportunities to practice physical, social, and personal skills.

And Bobbie certainly gave us plenty of opportunities to practice patience!

When he first started, it seemed like every ten minutes he was ready to quit.

He’d whine.

He’d complain.

He’d get frustrated.

“I quit!”

And we’d tell him:

“No. Try it again.”

Sometimes it took more than one attempt.

Sometimes it took quite a few.

But eventually he’d accomplish what he was working on.

Then we’d move on to the next thing.

And before long, we might hear it again.

“I quit!”

“No. Try it again.”

Over and over.

Little by little, something began to change.

Bobbie learned that not being able to do something immediately didn’t mean he couldn’t learn to do it.

He learned that frustration wasn’t the end of the lesson.

And he learned that trying again could lead to success.

Bobbie eventually earned his Second Degree Black Belt.

But that’s not the most interesting part of his story.

What Changed for Bobbie?

Bobbie went on to help teach classes and work at the front counter.

And teaching wasn’t always easy for him.

Sometimes he struggled to remember material when he needed it. Sometimes he became frustrated. And sometimes the students he was teaching had to work through those challenges with him.

But something had changed.

The boy who once wanted to quit every ten minutes no longer responded to difficulty by announcing that he was finished.

He might say:

“I don’t know how to do that.”

Or he might struggle to remember something he’d learned.

But he knew how to look for the answer.

He knew how to practice.

He knew how to correct a mistake.

And he knew how to keep going.

He wasn’t a person who never struggled. He had become a person who knew what to do when he struggled.

Bobbie eventually moved on from the academy. He’s employed and doing well.

I wouldn’t claim that martial arts training alone was responsible for everything he accomplished.

But I watched him grow through years of training, and I saw a remarkable change in how he approached challenges.

That is something worth remembering.

The Difference Between “I Can’t” and “I Don’t Know How Yet”

There’s a term used in psychology called self-efficacy.

That’s a fancy way of describing a person’s belief in their ability to take action and accomplish something.

It doesn’t mean believing everything will be easy.

It doesn’t mean pretending you already know how to do something.

It means having enough confidence in your ability to learn, practice, and solve problems that difficulty doesn’t automatically stop you.

Think about the difference between these two statements:

“I can’t do it.”

And:

“I don’t know how to do it yet.”

One sounds like the end of the conversation.

The other leaves room for learning.

Children don’t develop that belief simply because an adult repeatedly tells them they’re capable.

They develop it through experience.

They attempt something difficult.

They struggle.

They receive instruction.

They make corrections.

They try again.

And eventually, they succeed.

Each of those experiences gives them a little more evidence that they can handle the next challenge.

That’s one reason the Path to Black Belt takes time.

We’re not simply teaching techniques.

We’re giving students repeated experiences of learning how to overcome obstacles.

And sometimes, those experiences begin with the words:

“I want to quit.”

Learning to Solve Problems Together

One of the things we do in our Leadership Training classes is present students with situations that other children might be struggling with.

We don’t identify the student involved.

Instead, we ask:

“What do you think could help in this situation?”

Then we let the students talk.

They share their ideas, explain their thinking, and listen to what the other students suggest.

Sometimes one student has a good solution. Sometimes another student comes up with something better. And sometimes we discover that combining several suggestions gives us the best answer.

As instructors, we guide the discussion.

We might ask:

“Which of these ideas do you think would help the most?”

“Could we put these two suggestions together?”

Occasionally, a student will raise their hand and announce:

“Hey! That happened to me!”

Now they may have something more to contribute because they’ve experienced a similar situation themselves.

But nobody is required to share a personal experience. We’re not asking students to compete over who has the biggest problem.

We’re teaching them how to work together to solve one.

And there’s something else happening that I believe is just as important as the solutions they come up with.

They’re learning how to collaborate.

Think about it.

As adults, we work with other people to solve problems all the time. At work, at home, and in our communities, we exchange ideas, consider different approaches, and work toward a common goal.

Why should children have to wait until they’re adults to begin practicing those skills?

They shouldn’t.

Leadership isn’t always about having the right answer.

Sometimes it’s about listening to someone else’s idea, recognizing its value, and helping turn several good ideas into one better solution.

And sometimes, while helping another student find a way over a log in their path, a child discovers a better way over one of their own.

Taking the Lesson Home

What Should You Do When Your Child Wants to Quit?

First, don’t panic.

Your child comes home from training and announces:

“I don’t want to go to karate anymore.”

You might be tempted to immediately ask what’s wrong, explain why quitting isn’t an option, or start reminding them of everything you’ve invested in their training.

Instead, try something different.

“Hmm. I hear you. That’s interesting.”

And then stop talking.

Let that statement hang there for a little while.

You don’t have to solve everything the moment your child says it.

Sometimes they’ll change the subject. Sometimes they’ll tell you they don’t know why they said it.

And sometimes, after a little silence, they’ll tell you what’s really bothering them.

If they don’t, you can ask:

“Why do you say that? You’ve always loved karate.”

Then listen.

You could even respond with a simple:

“Okay.”

And see what happens next.

The important thing is to get your child talking, not to do the talking for them.

Don’t Give Them the Answers

Here’s something parents need to be careful about.

When a child says they want to quit, it’s tempting to start guessing why.

“Is it too hard?”

“Are you afraid of making mistakes?”

“Is somebody bothering you?”

“Are you upset because another student is doing better?”

Now, any of those things could be true.

But they might not be.

And when you start offering possible explanations, you run the risk of putting ideas into your child’s head that weren’t there before.

Worse yet, they may grab onto one of your suggestions and suddenly you’ve got an entirely new problem to deal with!

Instead, ask open-ended questions that encourage them to explain what they’re thinking.

“Why do you say that?”

“Tell me more about that.”

“What happened that made you feel that way?”

Then give them time to answer.

You may discover that the problem isn’t nearly as serious as you first imagined.

Or you may discover something important that needs attention.

Either way, you’ve learned something by listening instead of guessing.

Keep the Instructor Involved

Always let your child’s instructor know what’s going on.

Even if your child seems to have forgotten the conversation by the next morning, tell us about it.

We may have noticed something during training.

We may be able to make a small adjustment that helps your child work through the difficulty.

Remember the student who wanted to quit after every belt testing because he was afraid of looking stupid? Remember, those were his words!

Once we understood his concern, a short private lesson made all the difference.

You can also ask your child:

“Is there something Mr. Flees or your instructor could do to help you?”

We want students to know they can come to us when something is difficult.

The goal is for parents and instructors to work together, not for the child to feel like they’re being investigated or getting into trouble.

Help Them Over the Log

Remember, the goal isn’t to remove every obstacle from your child’s path.

It’s to help them develop the ability to overcome those obstacles.

Sometimes that means encouragement.

Sometimes it means additional instruction.

Sometimes it means giving them a little time to work through their feelings.

And sometimes it means telling them it’s time to get dressed, get in the car, and go to training.

Of course, genuine health, safety, or other serious concerns need to be addressed appropriately.

But ordinary frustration doesn’t have to become a reason to abandon something worthwhile.

Don’t remove the log from the path. Help your child find a way over it and continue climbing.

Because the next time they encounter an obstacle, they’ll have something they didn’t have before.

The experience of knowing they can overcome one.

The Path Continues

The next time your child tells you, “I want to quit,” remember that those words don’t necessarily mean they’ve reached the end of the road.

They may simply have reached a log in their path and haven’t figured out how to get over it.

Don’t panic. Don’t immediately agree. And don’t start supplying reasons for why they might feel that way.

Listen.

Give them time to talk.

And let their instructor know what’s happening so you can work together to help them find a way forward.

Remember the boy who was afraid of looking stupid? He didn’t need to quit. He needed a little preparation before learning his new material.

Remember Bobbie? He didn’t need every challenge removed. He needed time, guidance, and repeated experiences that helped him learn what to do when something was difficult.

And remember that your child doesn’t have to love every minute of training to benefit from it.

There will be difficult days along the Path to Black Belt. That’s part of the journey.

The goal isn’t to remove the log from the path. It’s to help your child find a way over it and continue climbing.

Because someday, when your child faces a difficult situation and you’re not standing beside them, you want them to remember something more valuable than how to perform a kick.

You want them to remember:

“I’ve faced difficult things before. I can figure this out.”

And that may be one of the most important reasons the Path to Black Belt takes time.

You’re going to love who they become at Black Belt.

Mr. Dwayne L. Flees
Sr. Chief Instructor
KarateBuilt Grand Rapids

Miss The Path To Black Belt Part 3?

Read THE PATH TO BLACK BELT — PART 3 Can You Really Learn More in Less Time?

READY TO START YOUR CHILD’S PATH TO BLACK BELT?

We’re currently offering 2 WEEKS OF FREE KARATE TRAINING at KarateBuilt Grand Rapids for qualifying new students.

CALL 616-301-2400 TODAY to schedule your child’s introduction, or complete the 2 Weeks Free form on this page.